StonerStuck with Jake and Jane #1 - Hardly Englishes
This is basically a story about Jake and Jane being stoner buddies. based semi on real life. you’re welcome.
The living room had certainly seen tidier days. In fact, it’s tidier days were most days; after all, it was the living room of a Crocker house. And Jane was clean if anything. Most days, that is. However, when all the cooking shows were filmed and done, and every cake was baked, she would convince the corporation to run itself for a few days. And it was during these small breaks, that her dear Mr. English would valiantly ignore the sweet siren call of adventure, to pay Jane a visit.
They wouldn’t go anywhere fancy and do fancy things, in fact they wouldn’t even leave the Crocker house. They’d camp in living room, on the fold-out couch, with movies, munchies, music, and each other.
And, well, one other thing.
"Now it’s on. Wait, there, now it’s on."
Jane placed the small, black recorder on the coffee table. She turned her head at the sound of bubbling water. Next to her on the couch-bed was Mr. English in all his rugged glory, sitting cross-legged, wearing nothing but some cargo shorts and his glasses, curled around one of the strangest bongs Jane had ever seen. He’d brought it back from Africa or something. It didn’t matter to Jane, she never used it.
His chest expanded as he pulled the slider out a small ways and sucked the smoke in. and it stayed expanded as he held it. Jane just watched a moment, almost forgetting about the small pipe in her own hand. Almost, but not quite.
White smoke curled out of Jake’s nose and mouth slowly at first before he just exhaled it the rest in a puff, grinning slightly.
"And the first sound is a bong rip."
Jane giggled and brought her pipe up closer to her face, lighter in the other hand. “Yeah, just about.”
"Well, I mean, it’s appropriate."
The flint of her lighter sparked into flame when she clicked it smartly, letting the small tongue lick out over the green in the bowl. It blazed a burning red that ate the herb black as she sucked in as well, an unground stem crackling lightly.
The speaker system on the table, which had previously been playing softer, gentler music, suddenly started playing something much more upbeat, the ipod shuffling on to another song.
Jake put his bong down, reaching for the box that held their stash, “I still don’t understand why they used this as a Dirk song, when it’s a Dave-centric song. It’s a song about Dave. And they decided they were going to use it-well, Hussie decided he was going to use it for a Dirk flash. And I mean, it’s Hussie, he can do what he wants.”
"Yeh, he’s the creator."
"He is, he can do whatever he wants. But, still."
"Well, I mean," Jane finally let out a puff of white smoke, voice no longer strained with holding it all in, "if you think about it realistically, they’re both Striders."
"I guess, yeah, maybe it’s just a Strider song," Jake unrolled one of the baggies, taking out a pinch of the red-head and putting it in the slider of his bong. While he was at it, he went ahead and put a pinch on top of what his counterpart was still smoking.
"Well, I mean," Jane went on, without even noticing. "Dirk is pretty.."
"Awesome." She giggled a bit, "I mean, he is on that shit."
"I think he’s pretty great but-"
"Janey, have you got a thing for Dirk?"
"He has got his shit together. Yes."
"Are you saying I don’t?" Jake perked an eyebrow, bong once again in his lap.
"Yoouuuu," Jane gestured lightly at him with her pipe, slumping back into a the back of the couch bed, "were passed out for a while."
Jake, who’d already started lighting his bong, furrowed his eyes down in a hurt expression. But waited until he was done toking to say in a strained voice, “it was not my fault.”
"And then you kissed a decapitated head in front of an erupting volcano," she went on as if not even hearing him, giggling again.
"Well, look, I didn’t have a choice," Jake defended, all the smoke coming out when he spoke. "The glasses were talking to me."
"And they told me if I didn’t do it, we would all lose, and that would suck. A lot," he emphasized his point with the click of his lighter. Jane was too busy taking another hit to respond until she was done.
"Mmm, love it when it crackles."
The next few minutes were spent in a comfortable lack of talking, the both of them smoking to the sound of what could certainly pass as dance music. In fact, Jane danced a little in her seat as she held her breath, her brain already felt as though it was floating along-side her head, instead of inside it.
"If only Roxy and Dirk were here with us," Jake finally hummed, the weed in his bong spent. "That would be great."
"It would be," Jane agreed, still holding her breath. After another moment or two, she finally let it all out. "It’s really weird, but the more stoned I get, the more I feel like I can hold my breath for a lot longer. But then I’m like, well now I’m scared to hold my breath for a long time because what if I just pass out?"
"God," Jake grinned, putting his bong on the table. "Well, at least you’re thinking ahead."
The caused Jane to laugh lightly, “and then I’m like, well maybe now, this is long enough, I’ll let it out now.”
"God," Jake said again.
Feeling a bit scratchy in the back of her throat, Jane reached for her bottle of water on the table. but she nearly grabbed a completely different bottle. “Oh, hello, there’s vodka.”
"There is! I totally forgot about that. I kept looking at it, and I’m like, that’s totally vodka. But as soon as I thought about it, I just stopped thinking about it."
"Like the Silence?"
"Like the Silence??"
"Oh, no, don’t even talk about that right now."
"Do you know who the Silence are?"
"Yes, I do."
"Good," Jane sat up straighter, a happy grin now on her face as she turned more towards the adventurer on her couchbed. After a moment of internal thought, she said, "oh my gosh, I want to watch Doctor Who."
"I don’t think I can handle that-"
"Just one episode? Please, just one?" she tried to look cute, pouting her lip out. Jake heaved a sigh, nudging his glasses up higher on his nose.
"Yes! Ah, man, now I’m conflicted. Which one?"
Jake laughed at that.
"My favorite is a two part episode, we could watch that. It the best two episodes of the sixth season, besides, River’s in it, yes, but it’s just a really good episode." She clicked her lighter a couple times cause she felt like it, bringing her bowl back up to her face. "It has everyone I love in it. And you learn things. Oh man, but the second to last episode is also really great. God, too many choices."
She gave up choosing in favor of taking another hit, or at least she would have. “Oh my god, you put weed in here.”
"I did," Jake laughed again, having just toked his bong as it sat on the table. "Happy Birthday!"
"Though it’s not my birthday."
"I can make it your birthday," Jake looked back at her over his shoulder, brows perking up and down suggestively, a different sort of grin on his face.
Jane paused just as she was about to take a hit, eyes widening a little. Unconsciously, her eyes flicking over and down his bare back, then to his face again.
"Oh. Does that mean I’ll need my birthday suit?"
"I mean, if you feel like it. I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to do. Cause I respect you as a woman," he turned back to his bong, to finish it off.
Jane’s lips grinned around the mouthpiece of her pipe, “thank.”
"Welc," Jake laughed.
"It’s alright," she took a quick hit, and spoke again as she held it. "I respect you as a woman, too."
"Ouch, Janey," Jake set his bong down and scooted back on the couch bed, to join her where she was sitting. "Ouch."
"You’re the one who was wearing a skirt last night!"
Jake opened his mouth to speak, but could only make half-formed sounds.
"Ah ah ah, ah ah ah, and stoned is not an excuse, you were wearing it before we started smoking," she handed the still smoking pipe over, and Jake immediately put it to his mouth and sucked in, the herb blazing red again.
While he was doing that, something occurred to Jane, “oh my god, we have food.”
However, when she went to scoot off the bedcouch, the ipod shuffled to another song that caught both of their attention. And they both started humming along, passing the pipe back and forth in a volley to see how many times they could do it before it went out.
"Mm, is it good, is it cashed?"
"I think so," Jake passed it over anyway for scrutiny.
"Let’s see here, give it a gander, give it a little poke," she picked up the straightened bobby pin they kept on the table, turning the weed around in the bowl.
Jake relaxed back and said, right as she was going to light up, “I know what I’ll give a right good poke.”
Jane choked a laugh, nudging him with her elbow as he laughed, too. “Shut up!”
She clicked the lighter again and let the flame out over the entire bowl, covering it thoroughly as she inhaled. “It’s cashed.”
Again, music prevailed for a few moments, as they both reveled in their respective highs. At last, smoke came trailing out of Jane’s mouth and nose before she proclaimed, “dragonkind!”
"Dude, Rose’s Orchid Horror song is just so fantastic," Jane turned back to young man next to her, tucking a loose bit of short black hair behind her ear.
"Isn’t it? It’s so Rose."
"And it sounds like it should come out of a movie."
"I listen to it every time it comes on, haven’t skipped it yet. I also, haven’t skipped Emerald Terror. Equally an excellent song."
"Well, I would like to thank the person that wrote it. It was very nice of you to write a song about me, thank you. And, also, yours." Jake pointed at the girl next to him as she leaned over and grabbed a container of Pringles off the floor.
"I don’t like mine," Jane said simply as she opened the container.
"Oh my god, really?" Jake said in disbelief.
"I think it’s perfect for you."
"Like I listened to it," Jane defended as she shoved a ship in her mouth. "and I was just like, this …I don’t like it."
"You know, that is just like you, Jane. That’s just like you."
"For no real reason whatsoever. I just listened to it and decided I didn’t like it."
"That’s just like you. The song and the way you’re being," Jake gave her a little poke in the ribs with his index finger, whispering, "just like you."
Jane giggled when she was poked, covering her mouth.
"Not liking something that’s made for you."
"What the bloody hey, get your hand off my face," she laughed, trying to shoulder him off.
Jake, while laughing himself, leaned forward to finally put his lighter down on the coffee table, just sort of dropping it with a loud clack. He gave a slight chuckle and said, “magic.”
"That was magic?"
"Yes, because it didn’t fall off the table."
"Oh! Cause I was about to say, it looked like you just dropped the lighter on the table," she scooted up to pantomime him. "MAGIC."
Jake couldn’t respond, he clutched at his sides, doubling over and flopping to the side in laughter.
"I love this song!" Jane ignored his laughter, putting a hand over her heart. "I just have so many John feelings."
When he’d finally reigned in his chortles, Jake sat back up, hair a little messier than usual, and reached for his packet of cigarettes, taking one out to light up. “I wonder if there’s a dubstep remix of this.”
"GOD," Jane proclaimed in a manner only fangirls can muster. "Want. Want it."
"Let’s ask Dave."
"Oh my god, Dave."
"Hey Dave, we want, what’s the name of this song?"
"Yeah, make a dubstep remix of Heir Transparent."
"Please, we’ll give you weed."
Jake gave her a look.
"Well, we won’t really give it to you, we’ll just invite you over to smoke it with us."
"Well yeah," Jake chimed in. "Everyday."
"Do you want me to make food? I really want some food, just the idea of food is lovely. I’m gonna make some food." Jane slid off the couch and into the adjacent kitchen.
"What are you making?" Jake called after her.
"I’m going to make a tuna salad sandwich," she called back.
"Oh my god, make me…one of those."
"For some reason I was expecting you to ask for ten sandwiches and I don’t know why."
Jake laughed from his spot still on the couch, “yes I want ten sandwiches, and I want them to be four by four.”
Jane’s laughter could be heard easily, “You cannot make these sorts of demands!”
"I can and I very well will."
"Well, you can make the demands but that doesn’t mean I have to follow them."
"But," Jake rolled over on the bed. "You love me!"
"The cat, not you."
"Wow, rude." He flicked some ash off into the ash tray on the coffee table, frowning a little. "My cigarette is lasting forever."
"I noticed that!"
"Why is it taking so long? Be away."
"Time’s just been…"
"Have we been speaking quickly then, cause we’ve said a lot in the time since I started smoking this."
Jane laughed again, “it’s never ending!”
"It’s the never ending cigarette. I will die-"
"Still smoking that cigarette."
Jake chuckled as he flicked some ash again.
"You’re going to die, in a blaze of glory, bullets everywhere, and still have that cigarette in your hand. Jake English died with this cigarette in his hand. And they’ll put it in a museum, with a chimney cause it’ll still be smoking."
Halfway through her spiel, Jake could only laugh harder. “God. It would be in a chimney cause it will still be smoking?”
"No, they’ll display it and the display case will have a chimney cause it will still be smoking."
"Wait, so the cigarette is still lasting even after I’ve died?"
"God. Well if I go down in history as something worthwhile. Then it’ll mean I have a lot of fans… are you double pistols and winking at me?" Jake watched Jane through the opening to the kitchen.
"No, I’m," she made the motion again.
"Are you Sailor Moon?"
"Yes! In the name of the moon," she did it again. "I’ll punish you."
"Don’t punish me, that’s not what this tape is about. …Wonk."
"There are two spoons in this container," Jane laughed, finally taking things out of the fridge.
"They multiplied while we were gone."
"You should pop in that My Bloody Valentine dvd and see which one it is."
"That would involve me getting up, and that’s not gonna happen."
Jane came to the doorway to the kitchen, looking at him sternly, “do you want this sandwich?”
"Please don’t make me get up to get it."
"Do you want this sandwich?"
"Then put the dvd in."
"May I please just have the sandwich without you being torturous about it??"
"I just want you to put the dvd in."
"I would, except that involves me walking."
"Why are we babysitting this cat again?"
Jane brought a black cat out, holding it aloft with a confused expression. “Where’s Roxy?”
"Oh. You know, that’s a damn good question."
Jane shook lightly with held in laughter as Jake continued, “I have no fucking clue.”
"This cat’s been here for two days."
"I think she’s still out with, um, the Striders. It’s a Strider-Lalonde party as I recall."
"Right," she put the at down, going back into the kitchen. "Why didn’t we have a get-together?"
"Um," Jake put out his cigarette, "because John and Jade cannot..do a damn thing."
Yet again, laughter came bubbling out of the kitchen, with choked words, “really rude.”
"I’m just saying."
"Oh man, I’m eating this sandwich so hard," finally Jane re-emerged, this time, with two sandwiches in tow, already biting into one.
"Did you make me one, too?"
"Yeees," she said with her mouth full, handing one off.
"What a good."
"Cause you damn sure weren’t gonna make it for yourself. We should turn this off now." Jane picked up the black recorder from the coffee table. "It’s been going, for twenty-two minutes and twenty-two seconds exactly."